New Year

Hi everyone!

2018 had almost veiled it pole and I'm pretty sure that everyone has a different story in this year. This might be a year of saying yes (all my favourite artist were engaged this year), a year of starting a new life, a year of prosperity, a year of dull life, a year to love yourself and many more.

Well,

To summarize my year,

This is actually a year of depression. For me.

I never had experience any kind of depression, well maybe i did when my crush friendzoned me. LOL

It was stupid i think, for me to depress over a boy that friendzone me. Funny when I come to think of it.

But yeah,

I feel like this is the depressing year of mine because:

1) The break-off
2) The Toxic Relationship
3) Peer/Studies Pressure
4) The Unknown subject

As you can see there. These factors lead to a depressing me.

And I, having a whale of time doing nothing, will tell you about all these factors to fill in my time hihi.

The biggest spark of it is the break-up. To me, this was expected. I am disappointed but not surprise as I could easily tell that he's having another girl besides him behind me. Well, the words has it say long distance relationship doesn't work well with us. Thus, I move on and its kind of hard at first but I manage. No tears left to cry after the break up is like my biggest achievement!

The second, the toxic relationship. Okay honestly, this reason should be on top of anything else and my helpless mind dont really work properly putting this as the second reason. Know that this is actually the first reason!!!! So the toxic relationship I'm having got me doubted to either break or just wait for miracle to happen between us. And thank god, by choosing to break free, I MADE A VERY WISE CHOICE. And the toxic relationship had been affecting me in my studies. LIKE BADLY AFFECTED BY THE RELATIONSHIT LIKE AF!!! I'd blame the t-relationship forever for affecting my studies and result. And everything bad that happen to me in the year of 2018.

Hang on guys!

This ranting is going forever.


The pressure from the subjects' lecturers and peer. I think, for now this year's pressure would be the worst for me as it have me thinking that suicide is a  'why not choice'. I havent paying attention in class as i kept thinking about my t-rel-shit (bear with me guys. This will be shorter and shorter as the entry goes on). Guess its true that I can't have any relationship during studies cause this thing will affect me mentally. So, for a few months after the break up, I was catching up the topics on certain subjects and I tell you, it is that hard, like level 88! Why 88? Lol no reason, love. Catching up the subjects help me to move on. I keep myself busy to just forget about him and yeah. I did. Although, im not fully move on.

And the last,

The unknown subject: Facing the lecturers' hurtful words. That's the worst. The consequences I have to take. As my result is getting worse and worst. So I have to hear those hurtful words such as I'm stupid and stuff. The peer is treating me badly. I dont know man. I think life in matric is harder than what I have in mind. This subject got me thinking about my worth, I kept thinking about my existence. If I die, these people would be having a better life. And to my friends, I'm sorry that you have to bear with me although I'm stupid. Everyday, coming back from the class, I'm having suicidal thoughts. Seriously, I never had the thoughts before. So I dont know what to do. Im helpless. Everything I do, I just wanted to be done quickly. Really I don't want to be engaged with this continuously.  Depression is worse. I feel numb. I dont have any feeling on people as they would hit my expectation. My parents would never have to think about the allowance they have to give me. Their money won't go to waste anymore. The lecturers reputation wont be descending anymore. The friends wont be wasting their time helping me, the stupid one on earth. Tears is my friend, now. I can't tell my friends, afraid that they would laugh at me. Since, the suicidal thought is being taking lightly by everyone, the risk of saying it to another person is like putting yourself as a joke out there. Nobody care, nobody hear. I cried myself to sleep everyday telling myself that thinking about death is not okay. EVERYDAY. EVERY NIGHT.

And if you're reading it till here, I am wishing you a Happy new year and please fullfil your new resolutions. Wishing you the best year of all!

Help me.