Bluntly Me

Hi and assalamualaikum everyone! Its been so long since I left this blog alone and now I'm just going to talk about myself

(im just going to mix English and malay in here, i hope you dont mind)

For so many years, I thought that i am that kind of person yang boleh cover mulut. I mean like, someone yang boleh jaga perkataan yang tak menyinggung. But thennnnnnn, I dont know since when I become bluntly honest, but yea i just did.

It happens when I was 18 if im not mistaken, there was this one lady, she's fair skin and tall, but  a little bit chubby and she was checking the lipstick colour that suits her, and then she took the pink one. and swatched it on her skin. i was standing besides here, looking for lipstick too. and then she asked me "dik, do you think this colour suits me because i love this colour!''

I stare for awhile looking at the lipstick swatches and her lips and diam kejap.

My brain: It doesnt suits her, but be nice say it suits her
My heart: If you lying, you dying

2SECONDS LATER

My mouth: It doesnt suits you, the pink is too bright. You look weird

HSHSHSOAOSNCJEIW FOR FUCK SAKE MY MOUTH MAKWWEDDAORWO I DONT KNOW

she was taken aback and said "oohh yeke? ooo takpela, guess the colour is not for me, maybe i can find another colour" and all i can only do is smile awkwardly

I was too awkward to stand there so I left Watson. Ya anak anak it happened in watson.

Time keluar tu aku maki diri aku, I was like "kenapa mulut aku cakap centu? tapi betul la warna tu memang tak sesuai pun dengan dia but mesti dia rasa sedih, hmm omaigod"

then the second incident happened kat matrik. I kid you not, I swear I was embarrassing my friends and myself.

That time kitorang (farah,dayah,tiqa,kyra and aku) study kat hep, and then ada budak laki duduk meja sebelah, so we just cool and keep on studying( most of the time we're just gossiping) then one of the boys offered us biskut raya. He said that all the boys are already full and dont want the biskut raya anymore hence the offer.

the girls was quite. ALL SILENCE AND STARE. then one by one said "no thanks, we already full"

but me being the astagfirullahalazim friend with astagfirullahalazim mouth bluntly said

"Em sebenarnya nak tapi malu la"

THE GIRLS WERE GIVING ME DEATH STARES. I SWEAR TO GOD I SAW THE WHOLE EYES ON ME, THE EYES THAT SAID (FATIN KAU SUMPAH NAK KENA LEMPANG TUU MULUT KAU TAK BOLEH TUTUP KEE)

Pastu the boys were like "haaa amek la amek makanla sedapppp."
and they said thank you

then they whispered.

"Bodo fatin, kau malukan aku siot"
"Aku sumpah rasa nak lari je tadi time dia bukak mulut"
"Aku tak pernah rasa malu sebegitu"

i was like........sorry la kawan kawan. saya tak sengaja.

but then

"tapi sebenarnya memang aku nak pun, thanks atin sebab cakapkan"

I was like????????? i knew it.

The third one happened in this year. one of my classmate pegang attendance. then he supposed to give it to me, tapi dia malas nak gerak, so at first aku cam cakap dalam hati je lah "ya allah ringankanlah bontot manusia ni" cs on that time i was actually pms

and then he had handouts, then time dia panggil "weh" , dia hulur centu je. Aku cam kau kalau dekat hulur centu takpe tau ni sebab kau jauh, aku sumpah rasa nak hempuk kau

so aku kena lah bangun
and my astagfirullahalazim mouth
: aduh kau ni berat bontot lah, cubalah gerak sikit

and then dia terkejut. pastu dia cakap "eh sorry ah adumak merungut ah"

then the other classmate semua pandang kitorang and boys gelak2. sumpah malu gila time tu tapi nak buat camna........

aku takleh control mulut.......

sedihnya

random thoughts at this hour

- we be content when everything we need, we want fall into places. the moment we achieve our goals and targets, we are actually at our best version of discipline ourselves.

-friends. or i might address them as family. my substitute family. it is fun to be surrounded by them. laughter and sadness, be shared in all in one family. you won't be judged nor belittled in your family. those who done that might as well to be re-considered as family members. but maybe, that's the way they are. their characteristic. we can't simply change people and we will never do. people change,by themselves.

I want to be truly honest about myself

I have received a lot of suggestions from people around me about latest entry post. They asked me to insert entry of "Facts about me!". Truth is I don't really know what to say in the blog anymore as my life begins hectic with classes and tons of homeworks and a research I got to do.

Oh by the way! Happy chinese new year for the chinese and those who are celebrating this festival! May God grant you wellness and wealth along your journey. Have a blast on this special day! Or my chinese friend would wish "Happy cina new year ya everyone"

So here it is,

05 Facts about me! (Not that you care)


1. I love computers!
- I do love computers and I have always loved them. Back then, when I was around 3 or 4 years old, my parents bought me two game cd(s). The rayman and sonic adventure. So after they bought and try the game on, they got confused. My parents really don't know how to play the game. They got really blur and blank. So, me being me, a very straight person, I just clicked the up arrow keypad and it worked! Okay..... Since that day, I know how computer works. The coding!
- Yes the coding is my favourite part! When I was young, I tried to have a very girly template for my previous blog. (Not this blog) and the old template required you to enter some coding, some simple coding and I was a newbie on that time so it took me just two hours to learn the coding stuff. Well honestly I never thought I could do that easily. But it is to me. Till now, the subject science computer, the practical is that we need to do some basic coding and ya know? I did it less than an hour. WEEEEEEE FEELING SO HAPPY

2. If there's a will, there's a way person
- I am really that person who will study whenever I wanted to. Okay, the situation is like this. The first semester of my matricullation days, I don't really feel like studying for my future. I was super lazy. I'm like the laziest student in my class. I also received the second lowest marks for my pspm. VERY BAD RIGHT?!!! IKR But yeah that's me.
- But now, studying is like my new bestfriend. I always meet her anytime! LIKE LITERALLY ANYTIME. AFTER CLASSES, AT 4AM, LATE NIGHT BEFORE I SLEEP AND YES. MY WORLD NOW REVOLVE AROUND HER! So, fiqnally I assume that myself is a "if there's a will, there's a way" person. Although my roomates sometimes really distracting me and belittle me for studying, but nah, I don't really care about their words. I'll stick to my mindset and let it guide me.

3. Family-oriented person
- If a man I love, bitching about my family, damn boy , tomorrow you see no sun because I already kill you boi.
- All the decisions I've made, I made it with the consideration of my family. Even when it comes to hanging out with friends, sometimes I just love to cancel it out just because I wanted to spend more time with my family. See, i love my papa more than u boi
- bonus: if they said you're not good enuff for me, probably i will listen to them boi. So goodluck!

4. A DPR FAN!!!! DPR WE GANG GANG!
- I AM DPR BIGGEST FAN! NO, JOKING! IM THE SMALLEST FAN! Christiannnn YUUUUU!!!!! *LOVE LOVE*
- I've always wanted to go and watch them performing but then my anxiety came and we had discussions about it.

Anxiety: I dont think you can see them. Bet your face will smacked with those asses.
Me : yeah right, but well, what are high heels for if not for these situations? I mean, they don't innovate this stuff for nothing.
Anxiety: HELL YEAH YOU WANT TO WEAR HEELS TO CONCERT?! SERIOUSLY BRUH!
Me: yeah you're right. I'm not going

-see? Poor me


5. I like older man
- PFFFTTTT HAHAHAHHAHA. I'm not a pervert. But yeah, somehow I feel like I suits older man more than guys my age. I feel like they don't really understand women, and that they are still childish.
- I'd prefer older guy up to 10years older than me, otherwise, I think that they're too old for me. And I am too young for them.


YUP. THAT'S IT FOR NOW. I LOVE YA GUYS
❤️

New Year

Hi everyone!

2018 had almost veiled it pole and I'm pretty sure that everyone has a different story in this year. This might be a year of saying yes (all my favourite artist were engaged this year), a year of starting a new life, a year of prosperity, a year of dull life, a year to love yourself and many more.

Well,

To summarize my year,

This is actually a year of depression. For me.

I never had experience any kind of depression, well maybe i did when my crush friendzoned me. LOL

It was stupid i think, for me to depress over a boy that friendzone me. Funny when I come to think of it.

But yeah,

I feel like this is the depressing year of mine because:

1) The break-off
2) The Toxic Relationship
3) Peer/Studies Pressure
4) The Unknown subject

As you can see there. These factors lead to a depressing me.

And I, having a whale of time doing nothing, will tell you about all these factors to fill in my time hihi.

The biggest spark of it is the break-up. To me, this was expected. I am disappointed but not surprise as I could easily tell that he's having another girl besides him behind me. Well, the words has it say long distance relationship doesn't work well with us. Thus, I move on and its kind of hard at first but I manage. No tears left to cry after the break up is like my biggest achievement!

The second, the toxic relationship. Okay honestly, this reason should be on top of anything else and my helpless mind dont really work properly putting this as the second reason. Know that this is actually the first reason!!!! So the toxic relationship I'm having got me doubted to either break or just wait for miracle to happen between us. And thank god, by choosing to break free, I MADE A VERY WISE CHOICE. And the toxic relationship had been affecting me in my studies. LIKE BADLY AFFECTED BY THE RELATIONSHIT LIKE AF!!! I'd blame the t-relationship forever for affecting my studies and result. And everything bad that happen to me in the year of 2018.

Hang on guys!

This ranting is going forever.


The pressure from the subjects' lecturers and peer. I think, for now this year's pressure would be the worst for me as it have me thinking that suicide is a  'why not choice'. I havent paying attention in class as i kept thinking about my t-rel-shit (bear with me guys. This will be shorter and shorter as the entry goes on). Guess its true that I can't have any relationship during studies cause this thing will affect me mentally. So, for a few months after the break up, I was catching up the topics on certain subjects and I tell you, it is that hard, like level 88! Why 88? Lol no reason, love. Catching up the subjects help me to move on. I keep myself busy to just forget about him and yeah. I did. Although, im not fully move on.

And the last,

The unknown subject: Facing the lecturers' hurtful words. That's the worst. The consequences I have to take. As my result is getting worse and worst. So I have to hear those hurtful words such as I'm stupid and stuff. The peer is treating me badly. I dont know man. I think life in matric is harder than what I have in mind. This subject got me thinking about my worth, I kept thinking about my existence. If I die, these people would be having a better life. And to my friends, I'm sorry that you have to bear with me although I'm stupid. Everyday, coming back from the class, I'm having suicidal thoughts. Seriously, I never had the thoughts before. So I dont know what to do. Im helpless. Everything I do, I just wanted to be done quickly. Really I don't want to be engaged with this continuously.  Depression is worse. I feel numb. I dont have any feeling on people as they would hit my expectation. My parents would never have to think about the allowance they have to give me. Their money won't go to waste anymore. The lecturers reputation wont be descending anymore. The friends wont be wasting their time helping me, the stupid one on earth. Tears is my friend, now. I can't tell my friends, afraid that they would laugh at me. Since, the suicidal thought is being taking lightly by everyone, the risk of saying it to another person is like putting yourself as a joke out there. Nobody care, nobody hear. I cried myself to sleep everyday telling myself that thinking about death is not okay. EVERYDAY. EVERY NIGHT.

And if you're reading it till here, I am wishing you a Happy new year and please fullfil your new resolutions. Wishing you the best year of all!

Help me.

Deal ö le

Congratulations fatin! You're great now

A journey to know your worth

Life's a journey. World is a journey. Your whole written life-story is a journey.

Everything happens for some reasons. Can't blame it on it but grateful that I still in life, doing better and bigger to my future self. Hatred is no longer in my dictionary of life but cautions are everywhere in it. That's true,

Depend on yourself to be happy, not others.

I can feel myself glowed significantly as I do take my broke up as a bridge for me to be a better me. I feel very happy when most of my friends said I look more beautiful and happier aftermath. Couldn't say I'm not proud of myself.

It do hurt in me, but I do know there's always a reason. People change and I believe in that. In fact, I knew that was going to happen.

Just so people know, that I'm not going to repeat the same incident all over again. What would I when I have myself.

I saw myself known to be cheated. Indeed. You cheated on me. Gladly, I still have friends and family to hold on to. They encourage me to be a better woman. I love them so much. x

Hineous act of yours is what I'll remember till death. I hope to not see you again because it's been a toxic relationship since the second time we got together. I don't want any toxic of yours anymore. Only toxic from Britney Spears.

xx

Pengalaman interview TESL

Assalamualaikum hai gang! Gucci gang gucci gang boom boom gucci gang

Okay enough fatin. Its enough.

So today, I wanted to share my experience on going to Uitm Dengkil for the TESL interview.

Andddd im just going to mix up the language here. I'll be using english as well bm.


Meh im too lazy

Okay before you asking, no. I didnt get tesl. Actually i didnt get any offer. Langsung takdapat upu :)

Okay but thats aNOTHER STORY. tengokk la kalau rajin nak buat looooooollll im such a lazy girlll


Okay

So i got the offer to go on an interview dekat Uitm Dengkil. Weh dengkil weh dengkil!! Memula i tot dengkil tu kat Pahang. Rupanya dekat Selangor je. So I've done some research asal uitm dengkil tu turns out uitm tu is actually Pusat asasi. So semua budak asasi dikumpulkan kat situ. So basically situ semua memang budak budak asasi la. And bangunan dia semua still baru and so cantik. WEH TAK TIPU ANJUNG DIA NAIS BAK HANG

okay

I got the interview sabtu petang so dalam pukul 12 centu baru gerak sebab alah klang jerp. Dengkil tu takdak la jauh ngat. So dah sampai uitm dengkil tu then ayah parking kereta pastu mendampingi aku ke bangunan dinamik (kalau tak silap sebab saya dah lupa huhu) then dorang dah sediakan satu whiteboard yg dah ditampal kertas banyak2. Each paper different panel. So kena tengok nama kat situ. I got panel 7

Then they asked me to go aras 2 for writing test.   Lmao. Kau tahu? Aku dah lama tak pegang pen, kertas, grammar masatu dah berterabur sebab lepas habis SPM aku terus tinggal semua benda tu. Hahaha pastu i olls naik la aras 2, then I met this beautiful girl, kawan baru i olls laa. Her name was Raihan. She's taller than me. Memula aku ingat dia tu lecturer tau sebab dia tinggi pastu muka matured iler. Then we talked sebab nak hilangkan nebes. You know what she said that makes me down?

"6000 students yg dapat interview tesl, they will only take 500. The rest tu takdapat langsung"

I waa speechless. Wth why did u tell me this. So i terus downgrade myself saying that everyone is better since my grammar are not that superb. But i tried my best. Im not gonna lie, i really did my best.

Writing test ni 1 hour je. And writing test ni ada dua section. Comprehension and essay. Comprehension tu dia bagi text and we read it then bulat bulat jawapan. Senang kan? Tapi susah nokhorom. Susah gila. Banyak gila terms pelik2. Lelagi text tu masatu i dapat pasal kangaroos. Lagilah blur. But the essay was okay la tu me eventho aku tak buat research pasal tu hahahaha. Tajuk essay aku masatu..........hm sis lupa. OH YEAH DAH INGAT! Benefits of learning new language. Haa gitu la

Sejam is not enough babe. Trust me. Nak fahamkan lagi, nak fikir ayat lagi, nak usha abang fasi lagi (eh) haaa tak sempat dik tak sempatttt


Then we move on to the next phase. Interview dengan lecturer. Haaaaa so masa i pergi interview, it happens to be on the nomination day. So pelagi, ramai dari kitorang ni baca pasal nomination day la en. Hahahaha gigih engko. Effort tu yang penting.


Then when my best friend, Alani datang. Kasi sapot. Allahu manisnya wajah dia hahahahahaha


Then it's my turn. They said keep smiling even when you are at your lowest. (Tiber)

So i senyum then wait for them to say "Have a seat, make yourself comfortable"

Kerusi nya jauh sikit dari dorang. Hahaha takut gak masatu

Then the questions begin. Aku dah tunggu dia tanya pasal nomination day , dah set dalam otsk dah diorang akan tanya pasal factual things but then

"Describe your life in 3 words"

I'm stumbled. Apa? WAIT WHAT ??? YOU SHOULD BE ASKING ME ABOUT THE FACTUAL THINGGGGG. NOT ABOUT MY LIFE BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE

"i have no life"

YEAH KATA KATA ITU HANYA TERUCAP DI MINDA SAHAJA. KALAU TAK MEMANG AKU KENA REJECT LA KAN

"Full of laughter" i smiled.

"Why?"

"because i have a funny family. Each one of us have different character and are loud but they're still kind and funny."

Pastu aku lupa dia tanya apa. But mostly they asked me about my family.
Then dah habis semua i said thank you pastu terus keluar. Then i heard sorang budak from different panel dia meroyan sebab kena macam aku. Dah hafal semua factual thing lelagi pasal nomination tapi diorang tanya pasal life.

The question become harder bila kau takdak life macam aku.

So yeah aku dah redo hahahaha

Tapi aku okay je, bagi aku the interview went well so aku okay je. Cuma penat la tu je. Penat weh, seminggu aku habiskan masa untuk study balik english je weh.

But yeah.

Allah plans and your plans. Allah plans is better.

Redo jelah sebab takdapat langsung upu. LANGSUNG. I GOT NOTHING.

So i just masuk matriks. And now, im struggling with the sciece subjects.

Till next time, bye.

xoxo