New Year

Hi everyone!

2018 had almost veiled it pole and I'm pretty sure that everyone has a different story in this year. This might be a year of saying yes (all my favourite artist were engaged this year), a year of starting a new life, a year of prosperity, a year of dull life, a year to love yourself and many more.

Well,

To summarize my year,

This is actually a year of depression. For me.

I never had experience any kind of depression, well maybe i did when my crush friendzoned me. LOL

It was stupid i think, for me to depress over a boy that friendzone me. Funny when I come to think of it.

But yeah,

I feel like this is the depressing year of mine because:

1) The break-off
2) The Toxic Relationship
3) Peer/Studies Pressure
4) The Unknown subject

As you can see there. These factors lead to a depressing me.

And I, having a whale of time doing nothing, will tell you about all these factors to fill in my time hihi.

The biggest spark of it is the break-up. To me, this was expected. I am disappointed but not surprise as I could easily tell that he's having another girl besides him behind me. Well, the words has it say long distance relationship doesn't work well with us. Thus, I move on and its kind of hard at first but I manage. No tears left to cry after the break up is like my biggest achievement!

The second, the toxic relationship. Okay honestly, this reason should be on top of anything else and my helpless mind dont really work properly putting this as the second reason. Know that this is actually the first reason!!!! So the toxic relationship I'm having got me doubted to either break or just wait for miracle to happen between us. And thank god, by choosing to break free, I MADE A VERY WISE CHOICE. And the toxic relationship had been affecting me in my studies. LIKE BADLY AFFECTED BY THE RELATIONSHIT LIKE AF!!! I'd blame the t-relationship forever for affecting my studies and result. And everything bad that happen to me in the year of 2018.

Hang on guys!

This ranting is going forever.


The pressure from the subjects' lecturers and peer. I think, for now this year's pressure would be the worst for me as it have me thinking that suicide is a  'why not choice'. I havent paying attention in class as i kept thinking about my t-rel-shit (bear with me guys. This will be shorter and shorter as the entry goes on). Guess its true that I can't have any relationship during studies cause this thing will affect me mentally. So, for a few months after the break up, I was catching up the topics on certain subjects and I tell you, it is that hard, like level 88! Why 88? Lol no reason, love. Catching up the subjects help me to move on. I keep myself busy to just forget about him and yeah. I did. Although, im not fully move on.

And the last,

The unknown subject: Facing the lecturers' hurtful words. That's the worst. The consequences I have to take. As my result is getting worse and worst. So I have to hear those hurtful words such as I'm stupid and stuff. The peer is treating me badly. I dont know man. I think life in matric is harder than what I have in mind. This subject got me thinking about my worth, I kept thinking about my existence. If I die, these people would be having a better life. And to my friends, I'm sorry that you have to bear with me although I'm stupid. Everyday, coming back from the class, I'm having suicidal thoughts. Seriously, I never had the thoughts before. So I dont know what to do. Im helpless. Everything I do, I just wanted to be done quickly. Really I don't want to be engaged with this continuously.  Depression is worse. I feel numb. I dont have any feeling on people as they would hit my expectation. My parents would never have to think about the allowance they have to give me. Their money won't go to waste anymore. The lecturers reputation wont be descending anymore. The friends wont be wasting their time helping me, the stupid one on earth. Tears is my friend, now. I can't tell my friends, afraid that they would laugh at me. Since, the suicidal thought is being taking lightly by everyone, the risk of saying it to another person is like putting yourself as a joke out there. Nobody care, nobody hear. I cried myself to sleep everyday telling myself that thinking about death is not okay. EVERYDAY. EVERY NIGHT.

And if you're reading it till here, I am wishing you a Happy new year and please fullfil your new resolutions. Wishing you the best year of all!

Help me.

Deal ö le

Congratulations fatin! You're great now

A journey to know your worth

Life's a journey. World is a journey. Your whole written life-story is a journey.

Everything happens for some reasons. Can't blame it on it but grateful that I still in life, doing better and bigger to my future self. Hatred is no longer in my dictionary of life but cautions are everywhere in it. That's true,

Depend on yourself to be happy, not others.

I can feel myself glowed significantly as I do take my broke up as a bridge for me to be a better me. I feel very happy when most of my friends said I look more beautiful and happier aftermath. Couldn't say I'm not proud of myself.

It do hurt in me, but I do know there's always a reason. People change and I believe in that. In fact, I knew that was going to happen.

Just so people know, that I'm not going to repeat the same incident all over again. What would I when I have myself.

I saw myself known to be cheated. Indeed. You cheated on me. Gladly, I still have friends and family to hold on to. They encourage me to be a better woman. I love them so much. x

Hineous act of yours is what I'll remember till death. I hope to not see you again because it's been a toxic relationship since the second time we got together. I don't want any toxic of yours anymore. Only toxic from Britney Spears.

xx

Pengalaman interview TESL

Assalamualaikum hai gang! Gucci gang gucci gang boom boom gucci gang

Okay enough fatin. Its enough.

So today, I wanted to share my experience on going to Uitm Dengkil for the TESL interview.

Andddd im just going to mix up the language here. I'll be using english as well bm.


Meh im too lazy

Okay before you asking, no. I didnt get tesl. Actually i didnt get any offer. Langsung takdapat upu :)

Okay but thats aNOTHER STORY. tengokk la kalau rajin nak buat looooooollll im such a lazy girlll


Okay

So i got the offer to go on an interview dekat Uitm Dengkil. Weh dengkil weh dengkil!! Memula i tot dengkil tu kat Pahang. Rupanya dekat Selangor je. So I've done some research asal uitm dengkil tu turns out uitm tu is actually Pusat asasi. So semua budak asasi dikumpulkan kat situ. So basically situ semua memang budak budak asasi la. And bangunan dia semua still baru and so cantik. WEH TAK TIPU ANJUNG DIA NAIS BAK HANG

okay

I got the interview sabtu petang so dalam pukul 12 centu baru gerak sebab alah klang jerp. Dengkil tu takdak la jauh ngat. So dah sampai uitm dengkil tu then ayah parking kereta pastu mendampingi aku ke bangunan dinamik (kalau tak silap sebab saya dah lupa huhu) then dorang dah sediakan satu whiteboard yg dah ditampal kertas banyak2. Each paper different panel. So kena tengok nama kat situ. I got panel 7

Then they asked me to go aras 2 for writing test.   Lmao. Kau tahu? Aku dah lama tak pegang pen, kertas, grammar masatu dah berterabur sebab lepas habis SPM aku terus tinggal semua benda tu. Hahaha pastu i olls naik la aras 2, then I met this beautiful girl, kawan baru i olls laa. Her name was Raihan. She's taller than me. Memula aku ingat dia tu lecturer tau sebab dia tinggi pastu muka matured iler. Then we talked sebab nak hilangkan nebes. You know what she said that makes me down?

"6000 students yg dapat interview tesl, they will only take 500. The rest tu takdapat langsung"

I waa speechless. Wth why did u tell me this. So i terus downgrade myself saying that everyone is better since my grammar are not that superb. But i tried my best. Im not gonna lie, i really did my best.

Writing test ni 1 hour je. And writing test ni ada dua section. Comprehension and essay. Comprehension tu dia bagi text and we read it then bulat bulat jawapan. Senang kan? Tapi susah nokhorom. Susah gila. Banyak gila terms pelik2. Lelagi text tu masatu i dapat pasal kangaroos. Lagilah blur. But the essay was okay la tu me eventho aku tak buat research pasal tu hahahaha. Tajuk essay aku masatu..........hm sis lupa. OH YEAH DAH INGAT! Benefits of learning new language. Haa gitu la

Sejam is not enough babe. Trust me. Nak fahamkan lagi, nak fikir ayat lagi, nak usha abang fasi lagi (eh) haaa tak sempat dik tak sempatttt


Then we move on to the next phase. Interview dengan lecturer. Haaaaa so masa i pergi interview, it happens to be on the nomination day. So pelagi, ramai dari kitorang ni baca pasal nomination day la en. Hahahaha gigih engko. Effort tu yang penting.


Then when my best friend, Alani datang. Kasi sapot. Allahu manisnya wajah dia hahahahahaha


Then it's my turn. They said keep smiling even when you are at your lowest. (Tiber)

So i senyum then wait for them to say "Have a seat, make yourself comfortable"

Kerusi nya jauh sikit dari dorang. Hahaha takut gak masatu

Then the questions begin. Aku dah tunggu dia tanya pasal nomination day , dah set dalam otsk dah diorang akan tanya pasal factual things but then

"Describe your life in 3 words"

I'm stumbled. Apa? WAIT WHAT ??? YOU SHOULD BE ASKING ME ABOUT THE FACTUAL THINGGGGG. NOT ABOUT MY LIFE BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE

"i have no life"

YEAH KATA KATA ITU HANYA TERUCAP DI MINDA SAHAJA. KALAU TAK MEMANG AKU KENA REJECT LA KAN

"Full of laughter" i smiled.

"Why?"

"because i have a funny family. Each one of us have different character and are loud but they're still kind and funny."

Pastu aku lupa dia tanya apa. But mostly they asked me about my family.
Then dah habis semua i said thank you pastu terus keluar. Then i heard sorang budak from different panel dia meroyan sebab kena macam aku. Dah hafal semua factual thing lelagi pasal nomination tapi diorang tanya pasal life.

The question become harder bila kau takdak life macam aku.

So yeah aku dah redo hahahaha

Tapi aku okay je, bagi aku the interview went well so aku okay je. Cuma penat la tu je. Penat weh, seminggu aku habiskan masa untuk study balik english je weh.

But yeah.

Allah plans and your plans. Allah plans is better.

Redo jelah sebab takdapat langsung upu. LANGSUNG. I GOT NOTHING.

So i just masuk matriks. And now, im struggling with the sciece subjects.

Till next time, bye.

xoxo